Apparently, I'm a dormant blogger in the past weeks. Well, there were changes in the organizational set up of our office. My Supervisor was transferred to another office and was delegated to a new full-time job task. Well, I guess when you're working in a government office personnel movement is quite flexible and unpredictable (permanent positions are not exempted). With that, I am currently appointed as the OIC in our office.
You might congratulate me for this but ironically I was promoted but the corresponding salary did not follow (I'm actually expecting that!). You really don't have a choice - you probably think it doesn't make any sense because we all have our own right to say "No, thanks!" or "Yes, can you increase my salary?". I was not consulted about this. Initially, my Supervisor informed me regarding the "OIC" then I just received my memo of appointment. Well, I guess my silence was interpreted as "Yes, I am accepting it." huhuhu
This was not the first time I was confronted with this kind of situation. 4 years ago (if am not mistaken), my previous Supervisor was also transferred to another office and it was rumored that I will be the acting head because I'm next in rank. Actually in the structure there is still one position level/ salary higher than mine but these personnel are detailed in another office so I was left being next in rank. I was doing their job while they receive the higher pay!!!! Sorry but I can't help to express my grievance. As soon as I knew about me being appointed as the OIC, I immediately e-mailed our then city administrator, who is also our department head, and expressed my sentiments of not wanting that position because of lack of skills. I received a reply saying that my concerns will be considered and referred to the Human Resource Office. As a result, my Supervisor then concurrently managed two divisions but he resides and performing tasks basically in the other office. So, I was tasked to be in-charge of the office, signs some documents in behalf of my supervisor, attends meetings among others - indirectly, it's just the same - am I right? Yet, I'm only receiving a salary grade of 11 (up to present!).
At present, I am facing this big responsibility and would like to try it for the meantime. But most of the time, I doubt if I can really manage the office with three staffs depending on me. Honestly, I am overwhelmed and very thankful for the trust the administration is giving me. However, deep inside me, there is resistance on accepting this. Why? Here are the reasons (in no particular order):
- I am not confident
- I lack managerial skills i.e. planning, sound decision-making, conducting staff meetings, participating management meetings
- I am not a good speaker
- I’m quite slow thinker and stuttered when pressured and in front of people
- I do not ultimately know the mandate of our office because it is not yet established (it’s supposed to be performing internal audit services)
- I don’t look professional
- I am not happy
- I am not that committed (sama ko ba?)
- I’m quite lazy (sama ko talaga?!)
- I have inferiority complex being with the managers and supervisors (or I think of myself as inferior)
- I don’t have the absolute courage
- I have low stress tolerance
- I am detailed-oriented which causes delay at times
Am I stupid or what? I was given this opportunity yet I am hesitant to grab it or should I say I already grabbed it but thinking of dropping it off. Crazy enough?! Bo Sanches’s book “Simplify Life” reads… We give 60% of our waking time to our jobs. If we’re unhappy with our jobs, that makes us unhappy 60% of our lives! To simplify our lives, we need to find what we love doing and get paid for it. We need to find out what our passion is and connect it with our jobs.
I know that all of my reasons are psychological (am I right?). Maybe I just don’t realize and recognize my strengths and capabilities because some people can’t believe that I am not confident about myself. It’s just that the nature of our work requires a competent, tough and independent leader. Am I qualified to the position with this kind of attitude? I know you may simply answer “Change the attitude!” but it’s really not easy struggling with your own self. Consistency is another thing. You may ask what is it that you love or wanted to do – I love being at home serving my family and putting up a bakery shop, if possible. I thought of submitting my resignation but due to financial crisis/constraints it gives me no choice to stay and face the reality which makes me upset. I just hope I could overcome this attitude and have the ultimate courage to move on.
